The trashy travails of daytime dramas, primetime soaps, and some spectacular, sudsy novels—have  taught me some of life’s most valuable lessons.

It took me hours of viewing and decades of reading to glean the following nuggets of wisdom, but they have served me well. Below, the ten tartiest and true things I have learned from soap operas and their literary counterpart, trashy novels.

1. The more miserable the childhood, the more spectacular the adult success

Case in point: In Jackie Collins’s Chances, young Lucky Santangelo discovers her murdered mother’s body floating in the family swimming pool. She is later shipped off to boarding schools and ignored by her gangster father before being married off at age sixteen. She grows up to be gorgeous, fabulously wealthy, and the head of her father’s empire. In Judith Krantz’sScruples, Billy Ikehorn Orsini suffered a childhood of obesity and isolation, only to become rich, beautiful, and the wildly successful owner of Beverly Hills’ hottest boutique. The list goes on and on. The point is, misery is life’s great motivator. I try to remember this when my children complain.

2. Men Want What They Can’t Have

On The Bold and the Beautiful, Brooke Logan pined away for the love of her life, Ridge Forrester, while he married Caroline Spencer and later, Taylor Hayes. But did Brooke sit around wallowing in misery? No. She got busy—first with Ridge’s father, Eric, and then with his brother, Thorne. And you know what? Ridge came around pretty fast. The lesson here is that men want what they can’t have, and if it takes a little sleeping around in the family to remind them of that, so be it.

3. Baby-Making Can Make You Crazy

I bring this up only because celebrities make the whole fertility game look so easy. But one only has to look at Taylor’s agony on The Bold and the Beautiful to find the ultimate cautionary tale: Taylor did IVF, but the clinic goofed and put her husband’s sperm together with another woman’s egg. And not just any woman—Brooke Logan’s egg! Brooke Logan, the woman who has gone after every man Taylor has ever loved, including Taylor’s husband at the time. (Full disclosure: I happen to love Brooke Logan and chose my pen name, Logan Belle, with her in mind) The lesson here is that fertility struggles are a bitch, no matter what you see on E! News.

4. Every Woman Needs Her Own Money

A woman should never stake her future on any job in which you depend on your fleeting youth and good-looks. (Unless you are Heidi Klum and can milk it on reality television for years. But she’s the rare exception. ) In Krantz’s Mistral’s Daughter, beautiful, vivacious Maggie Lunel gives up everything to be the muse for egotistical painter Julian Mistral. Of course, the second a bitchy gallery owner wants Mistral all to herself, Maggie gets the boot. And she doesn’t even get to keep the nude paintings of herself that will later be worth millions. Girls, do yourself a favor and get a degree and a decent job. No matter how boring it is, it won’t cheat on you and dump you for someone richer and blonder.

5. Put Mom before Men

This is another gem courtesy of Mistral’s Daughter. When Maggie’s daughter, Teddy, grows up to be the world’s biggest supermodel (clearly not following the previous lesson), she can have any man she wants. But who does she choose? Julian Mistral! Her mother’s first love who betrayed her. This, as you can imagine, caused quite a rift between Teddy and her mom. Ladies, we might not have a “bro code,” but some things are just plain common sense: if a man has slept with your mom, just say no. Lovers come and go, but moms are forever. For the most part. See lesson number six.

6. Competition Can Come When You Least Expect It

Again, we must visit The Bold and the Beautiful: When young Bridget Forrester marries drifter Deacon Sharpe, no one is more appalled than her mother, Brooke. Which makes it all the more hot when Brooke sleeps with him! Of course, this one-night indiscretion really upset Bridget, especially when her mom ended up pregnant. No one was surprised by this turn of events except Bridget. Ladies, if your mom is super-hot and has a history of seducing every man who crosses her path, your own husband could be fair game. Real life is more of a soap opera than a fairy tale. Sh*t happens.

For the complete list, visit Heroes & Heartbreakers